Guest Post: Super Sperm!

This post is a submission by a guest author who wishes to remain anonymous. To submit your own guest post, click here.

My partner and I are shopping for sperm. With all the sperm available out there in the world, you would think this would be easy. Cismen unload that stuff in frenzied sessions all year long. They literally throw sperm away all the time. But when we asked our good friend for a bit of his sperm so that we could try to have a baby, he said no.

I’ve never felt that my body was lacking something the way that I feel it right now. In the past, if I wasn’t able to change something about my body with available options presented to me, I could make peace with that. Somehow, this feels different. This would not be an “accident” baby. This baby is well thought out; names meticulously considered, lists compiled of anti-racist baby books, theories on how to talk to our child about trans stuff, should we make baby food or buy baby food?*, what happens if I get bored or isolated as a stay at home father?, how much screen time should they have, etc. You get the point. This kid is well planned for… we just need the kid.

We approached Kyle with compassion and neutrality. We did not beg for his sperm, nor did we make it overly emotional. He felt honored that we asked, but he quickly said no. He wanted his own children in the future, and felt that having a child who was “sort of” his would mess up something, emotionally, for his future kid. We respected his choice, of course. But that left us with the real problem of sperm. We do not know any other cismen that we feel comfortable being a known donor to our child. That simple “no”, however we love and respect Kyle, just cost us a minimum of $1,000 worth of: anonymous vials of sperm, trips to the doctor, and any insemination costs not covered by insurance – then multiplied by however many times needed to get pregnant. What an expensive rejection!

I went through several days of depression while I sorted out my feelings. I felt embarrassed that I had to ask another man for his sperm. Angry that he put some theoretical child of the future as a larger priority than his good friends’ current situation. Considering the costs of sperm banks, I felt anxious that we wouldn’t get pregnant right away and the costs would be too much with subsequent attempts. I felt angry that he can make sperm and I cannot. I feel angry that he has the choice whether to give his sperm away or not. I wanted to write this post in a letter form, addressed to Kyle, but I think that he’s been at the center of my brain for long enough. We are not waiting for anyone else to be part of this path to parenthood. Whatever the outcome, we are doing this together. I just hope we get lucky with some awesome anonymous sperm that does the trick! Hopefully at this time next year, I’ll be wiping up drool and longing for the days when I could sit down to write a blog post about sperm.

* Make!

One thought on “Guest Post: Super Sperm!

  1. Hear, hear! Best wishes, anon. Sorry your Kyle said no, that sucks. Plenty of men, cis included, are lacking sufficient sperm to create a baby. So your body might be lacking, but you’re in great company! My wife & I are a lesbian couple who also approached and got rejected by a Kyle in our search for The Sacred Sperm.

    Eventually we went with NW Cryobank (most reasonably priced, if any are) and picked a donor that resonated. Shopping for a stranger’s sperm? That’s a mixed bag of emotions.right there. It cost a lot because it took a few cycles, but now we’re proud, sleep-deprived Mamas with a wily 5 month old and a Baby #2 on the way.

    The best part about using a sperm bank? There are no legal worries whatsoever. If your friend had helped you out, you would’ve had to spend a few thousand dollars anyways on lawyer fees to make certain that the resulting baby was not his and would never be regarded as such. So, there’s that. It’s not much, but it’s something.

    ALSO! You don’t need a doctor. You can do the insems at home yourself, it’s ridiculously easy to thaw & insert the spermsicles. We started by using a doctor, and had nothing but bad experiences and no pregnancies. We looked into other options and discovered we could do ICIs and IUIs at home ourselves, (that’s when we started using NW Cryobank) and it was reallly empowering. My wife can say that she knocked me up! And vice versa – I love telling people (and with complete honesty) that I got my wife pregnant. When our baby (and baby on the way) are older, we can embarrass them just like a million other parents, pointing to our bed and explaining to them that they were conceived right there. Ok, just kidding on that part, but we *could* if we wanted to. If you want more info, feel free to contact me by email. It’s my “name” below at gmail dot com.

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